Spontaneous

Some parts in me always wish somehow I could be just like almost people living and stuyding here right now. I wish I could be a person enjoy everything she has without any high expectations. I wish if I couldn’t change the fact that I’m a daydreamer, I could have gut to chase after what I always wanted, what I truly believe in. Even I myself cannot know exactly what kind of person I am.

Who the hell am I? What am I capable of? What can I do?

I live, I eat, I breath, I go to school, I learn, I play,… Everything I do everyday in this place just seem so normal, so not unusual at all. Why am I still feel like I’m missing something very important?

From time to time, I was utterly contemptuous of myself. I thought maybe I should accept this situation I’m in entirely, I shouldn’t try to struggle violently to get out. Because the more I struggled, the deeper I sank in the mud.

I’m so confused. People who know me, not “know” the way truly understand the person I am, people who have been known me for a very very long time, they already witnessed how many times I had failed. They told me not to dream so far, out of my reach. They told me just try to fit in, try to settle down, just try to be not so bad. In conclusion, just try to be a normal person. They used to think I can be not very good but at least I can be good enough for them. I used to hate them for the way they think I am. I blame them, I blame everything else for what I’ve done, for my own failure. But now, I’m aware of my own self. I have nobody to blame but myself. But what I can do to change that fact?

Nothing. Nothing I can do to change the past, to change what already done, what already happened.

I also realised that they weren’t underestimated me the way I think it was. They just worry about me, they don’t want me to dream the thing I cannot reach. They are just realistic, they don’t want me to be lost in daydreams, to have my head on the clouds. Because they are the one who already saw “what” I became when failed, when I couldn’t have what I wanted.

I’m sorry for hating you for so long. I didn’t realised you just don’t want to see me disappointed, you always want me to live happily but I’m so selfish, I only think about myself, what I can do for myself, what I can achieve for myself, I couldn’t see that very clearly. But now I am. I really am.

I’m sorry for living in fantasy and forgetting about reality in front of me for so long. I’m sorry for not smiling as much as I can when I can. I’m sorry for sometimes ruining the happy moments of our big family. I’m sorry for crying and even don’t bother to pretend I’m happy and congarulations to my counsin’s success. I was jealous of what he’s capable of, I was blindly jealous, why I can’t the thing he can, why he has to be so different from me, everytime he say he wants something, he undoubtedly  makes it comes true. I’m so ashamed of myself. How can I ever think that?
My dearest

Everyone was born with their own unique things to distinguish them with the rest of the world. I was born orginal why am I want to live my life like a copy? I know I want to be successful just like him but at that time I did not know he worked very hard to gain what he dream of. Look at me, and I ask myself, for once in my life have I ever worked my a** off to achieve something? The answer is very crystal clear: No. That’s the big different between me and him. And I know he totally understands what he’s really good at. Once again, look at me. I’m not sure what I’m good at.I don’t even know what I really like to do and what I really want to become. I have to spend time to figure out all these things on my own before getting into something else. No matter how long it takes. Because if I can’t find what truly belong to me, only I have it, it’s my thing I can never truly live my life. Because when everything else fall apart, what truly me can’t never go away. Even now I’m still on my way find out all these things by myself, I’m truly happy for my cousin, I’m very proud of him and he will be my motivation to continue pursuing what I believe meant to be done.

I have to admit that there’s a time, even now sometimes I still feeling that way I’m jealous of other people’s family and I think why can’t my family be like that?

And I’m really really sorry for that thought. Nobody’s perfect. My family always beside when I’m up and down. Everytime when I feel lost my way, home is the only place I can run to, I can be the one and only me. Long time ago I didn’t know exactly the meaning of “Home” but now I am. And I won’t trade them for anythingelse fame, money or something. That’s only the surface. It’s not the true thing and won’t last forever. But love from family is ever lasting feeling and won’t fade away easily.
Just like the song from Hannah Montana: The Movie
You'll always your way back home

I know you’re all worry about me. But this time believe me, when I find out what are the things I truly want to do, nothing can stop me and even I fail again, I will find another way but I won’t never lose myself or lose what I treasure the most. I know maybe you will think just another fantasy dream. But now it’s not. Because I know what I can do and can’t do. I still hestitate and not sure about several things, still confused about my future, still trembling but when I’m figure it out believe me I will take my chance and do it. Is that too much to ask when we all living only one life? I won’t let go what important to me, I won’t be sad and depressed too much when things fall down like all the other time. Just have faith in me, everything will be alright what meant to be, it will be.

Thank you all for always being there for me. Thank you for giving me this life and all the experiences I’ve been through. Sometimes it hurts so bad, sometimes I just wanna delete it all from my memories but I won’t never trade it for somethingelse. I'm thankful for the things I don't have.Sounds crazy hah. Because what I have and not have are the things make me ME

Because these experiences are my own things, no one else can have it except me in this big big world

It will be

You know, life sometimes has very extraordinary way to surprise us.

I don't really know until the day came and told me "I should try that". All of a sudden, I realised something.Something is very important.I have known it for a very long time. I always wanted to become a part of it. It's just time passed by and I totally forgot about it.
And now, when everything seems to fall apart, that love comes back to me like a guide light, guide me through the darkness and shows me I still have hope, that hope won't never leave me, it always there beside me when I need it the most.
And of course I believe it's my destiny therefore it won't be easy for me to reach it. Nothing worth having comes easy, you know. You have to go through many challenges to prove it's not just another day-dream of yours.
You may wonder whom I have to prove to.
Not surprisingly, this one is me. I used to fool myself it was my family.I can't go anywhere with their permission, their acception. But believe me, they only do that because they don't think I can go anywhere.Why? Because it's my dream but I'm the one who don't believe I can do it in the first place.
So if I can't prove to myself I need to do it and I can, I will only stand still.
You may ask why my blogs are all full of my writings just like a dairy.Maybe it's not.
But right now, it really is.
Because I'm so confused. I write so later on I can see it and one day when I finally go through all of these problems I can be so proud of myself.
Despite of all the doubts, I will not let it go this time.
I decide to keep it tightly and won't let go no matter what happen. And now I won't afraid of time anymore because I believe if it's meant to be. It will be.
I fight for it til the end no matter how long it takes.
The day will come, soon, when I can finally say So lucky I won't give up on you easily that time , my precious dream :x