I myself already knew I'm a loser. I can't never forget that for one second in my entire life.It's just sometimes I see something so wonderful and I thought maybe my life won't have to be so blur, so boring , so so the way I see it. You don't have to remind me of how imperfection I am in every aspect like that. You think I never care about that? It's my own problem. Who the hell am I if I don't care about my own things?
I'm just pretending with the attitude " I don't care " because I thought people won't think me so pathetic when I can't solve it on my own. You think I never worry about that? You are dead wrong. Everyday, I look at myself in the mirror and I wonder when I will be look as pretty as everyone else or when I will be achieve something that makes me proud of myself and also everyone. I already tried but it didn't work. I know it's my fault. I always blame everything on myself. You don't have to repeat that to makes me so pitiful. I already knew I'm so pathetic.
Everything I do is a mistake , everything I have done was a mistake. Everything I am also is a mistake. Nothing is right. I know that and I always remember that everyday and wonder why God create something like me to be existed in this world?
But I don't want to die. I want to try more and more. I don't believe I can't do anything right in this whole life I was given. It's so precious for someone like me.
If I die , it will be a life I only live for myself. I never wanted that. I want to live for my mom , my dad and my sister. I don't want to die without doing anything good left behind before I go.
I don't wanna die without knowing my life is a gift and never regret the way I lived it.
I know clearly that I will never be perfect as someone so why do you have to compare us all the time?
I already I'm never good enough , why do you have to remind of me of how stupid I am?
I already knew , I just never say it out loud. That's why you think I don't know?
I just try my best to do everything I can but I know I'm never good enough.
Good enough is something out of my reach.
I want to go, go far away from here. Where I can be myself , people can critics me but I will accept and move on and next time I try to make it better. If it won't work , I will keep trying. Not like here. Even if I try I will drown anyways.
I want to go to somewhere no one knows where I'm from , what my real name is , what I've already done in the past and even if they knew , they don't care. they just focus on who I really am at the moment.
I wanna go far but it doesn't mean I will left behind everything here. I just go to keep in mind only beautiful memories of this place and one day when I come back , we only talk about happy moments because life is too short and I won't live here with them forever. you can call it a runaway or whatever you want , I don't care because the reason why I leave because I love travelling to different places , meeting new people , trying something new and more important I want to appreciate everything I have here. I maybe mad at you but I know whatever you say , you only care about me.That's all. That's why I can never hated you.
It's only I'm not strong enough to here critics about me. I'm on my way to learn how to be strong and live my life without caring too much about what others say about me.
There are still too much things out there for me to learn. I know I can't be able to learn them all but I will try my best.
Dunno if I make any mistake , just writing when I'm crying and dunno what to do to make it stop.
Sometimes, I want to write but then I realise I don't know what to write and maybe I wonder how I can write about it the right way. But then instead of spending time thinking and wondering , I decide to start writing , write whatever my mind told me to.
I'm about getting 20 in the next few months. And somehow, I'm so excited because 20 so I can be so "mature" and " adult" but then I think actually that things don't depend on how old I am.
Some people can be so grown-up even they are still on the age of spending time to playing and sleeping,... but because of some specific reasons , they started to taking all the responsibilities for their families from very early age.
I know I'm not a genius or something like that so I don't expect I can do something big to change the world or else. But somehow, I still believe I can do something that make me proud of myself. My life isn't really boring and I'm not really useless.
But the fact is prove the oppisite. Yeah, you can tell me that if I want to have something to be proud of ,I don't need to do something big , maybe it's can be a small thing to myself. It's enough. But don't be so surprise, even just a little thing for my little self , I haven't done anything good yet. I always let people I love and love me down. I always fail.
From time to time I wish I can be just like the main character in " 13 is going 30 " or " Click".
Suddenly , I become myself but not in the present but in the future when I'm 30. I can figure what I have done in the past ( even I'm not actually doing it yet but I will because My future self already done it).
And maybe I will confused because I never picture my future self would be like this or like that.
I always take myself at the moment to decide what I'm gonna do when I'm going to face several kind of problems in the future. Now I know it can't be possible. It will be totally different in the future and unpredictable.
I know my life can't be never like in the movies. I can't never have a chance out of nowhere to take me to see the future and then come back the present to change the future I just saw.
What if my future will be a disaster? What I'm suppose to do next?
I don't know. Am I gonna break down? or Am I still believe I can change and make it better?
I know I should be live like this or like that so my life will get better? But who will secure 100% for me that it will work.
We can't never tell.
I know it sounds crazy if I wish I had a chance to see the future or have a remote that can pause the happy moments or skip the sad parts of our lives. All I ever wanted is second chance. I wish everything I've done wrong I could have a chance to fix it.
Just like the main character , he skipped every moment he didn't like so he missed so many precious moments of his lives. But in the end, when he was about to die alone in the street and it was raining really hard , it was a life blighted by tragedy and he realised he was wrong to passed all that moments and he should live his life with all the sad and happy moments with his family - the one he loves most.
You are all know what happened next , he got a second chance to go back in time and changed everything from the start.
I just want to have a second chance to fix the things I had done wrong and make it better . And it will be better.
The things I'm about to say are kinda silly or so familiar and old-fashion just like you guys all hear it so many times before.
But deep inside have you ever wondered what would you do if you know you won't die tomorrow but you only have few months left?
Sounds depressed but we can't expect we can live this life forever even it's beautiful or so irony that never go the way as we planned.
Even I have to be honest with myself that sometimes I wish I can write a script for my entire life and run it exactly the way I predicted it should be. But it won't be fun and full of surprises anymore if we already knew everything is about to happen.
Maybe at first , you couldn't like it and hate it but somehow , it can be the best thing ever happened to you. Just like the friendship with two old-men Edward and Carter with their bucket list together few months before they die.
If you don't have any plan for the weekend , maybe you should watch" The Bucket List" and pull out your own things after watching it because I'm about to create my own Bucket List and I'm suggesting you now you should have your own ^^. It could be very interesting.
Please don't think that I'm saying you guys are about to die or wonder if I'm about going to die.
Yes, we all gonna die.It's just not now and I'm writing all the things I wanna do before I'm about to kick the bucket. And also I don't wanna live a life that before I close my eyes I still have things I regret that I haven't done yet.
Briefly , this is my Bucket List: ( I will do it as soon as possible before changin' it )
Ten things:
1, Kiss the boy I had a crush on for around 4,5 years.( on the cheek first).
2,Sing a Japanese song in front of the crowd.
3, Write a short story and send it to a magazine.
4, Have a small tattoo.
5, Smile brightly with a total stranger.
6,Write a letter to my father , tell him how much I love him and I don't want him to continue drink alcohol and spend money without thinking and hurting my mom's feelings.
7, Buy a dress and wear it in front of my high school's classmates.
8, Take a very weird picture in Ly Thai To park
9,Start a conversation with a very handsome foreign guy at Hoan Kiem Lake.
10, Knitting a scaft.
What are yours? You can tell me by comment below :)
I've been trying to convince myself I will never regret this.But deep inside I was lying to myself. How pathetic!
I was always thought that my life is so hard but actually it's hard because I'm thinking so and I'm never trying to make it better. And frankly, my life is so boring because I was so afraid of taking chances and trying new things , stepping out of my comfort zone.
I only a daydreamer, I'm just dreaming day by day , night by night but do nothing to make it real.
I'm a coward , I even so scared and think that I will be living here and wait for the opportunities to get me out of here.But chances will never come if I continue sitting here and do nothing but waiting.
There's time I feel bored to death that I even used to it and feel nothing else but just day after day chatted on facebook ,watched movies and do other useless things.
From time to time , I think I should do something else but sometimes I just think and then forgot all about it the next moment , sometimes I only stuck to it few days and got rid of it the next days.
I've been telling myself I can't live this kind of lives any longer but then the next thing I do is just so.. SO!
I just feel bored and come to my best friend and talk and talk.First time , she helped me alot, she even tried to tell me to continue to believe in myself and follow my dreams.But even she can notice and tired of me because people when they feel bored and try to talk with other people is because they want to find a way out to do the things they want to do.But whenever I wanted to talk to her , it's just always the same thing , the same problem and I never get out of it . The reason is so simple because I'm just complaining and thinking but doing nothing.
I've been a loser for a very long time.I wanted to do alot of things but not even a thing came true. And now , it's not even show a sign that it's gonna end soon if I continue living this way.
But come to think of it , I won't regret the time I already spent in this land because here , I met many good friends and gave me many precious advices that I won't never forget for the rest of my life.
We've been sharing all the beautiful times together. When I was confessed my love to a boy but he wasn't replied, when I was got a very high score and even the lowest score I've ever got.
We share the things we wanna do in the future when we leave this land.
But it's just, I have to go now , to discover my own things.I know they will understand and even support me if that's the thing I reall want to do.
Almost all of my friends , they all find their own things, their own clubs to contribute to , to live the fullest , to spend all the university years worthy to live with their own things and to make it the best memories they will never forgotten.They meet many people with the same goals, ...
But look at me, I haven't found even just a little thing for my own to be proud of. And not that I'm sick of this place, I love my friends here but I know I will meet them somewhere else again because we're true friends.
I'm so depressed to meet new people , to make friends, want to try to live literally on my own in totally different places , I want to take risks , I want to make more and more money for my family, I want to make them proud of me.
I can't live a day without thinking about the day I will go. I just think that I can't live in the same place for too long. I just born to go, to meet new people , to discover new culture, to do new things.
I want to go for a life's changing adventure.
It's not simple that I don't love where I was born or where my friends and family are.But it's just feel great when you go and come back to a familiar place.That's feeling I was tasted 10 years ago. I want to taste it once again.
It's fanstastic when you going on a journey then go back home to see where you can be who you are and do all the crazy things that you can't do somewhere else.
It's not just I don't love my home sweet home anymore .I just to feel awesome when I'm going far very far and one day I'm going back home.
I have to go far away and to go back one day , to feel things different and familiar at the same time. I miss that feeling.
I know now it's the perfect time to go.
And I will go.
You know Life is tough. Whatever you do , whenever you go , whoever you meet.What's the point of all that?
I don't know what are you thinking right now but I believe part of your journey is about finding yourself.
Some people losing themselves along the way.Some after quite a long time , they realise by their own, what do they really want, somehow they can manage to go back to the true purpose why they started doing it in the first place.
However, some are not. How come?
Truth be told , I don't know.Sounds irony, hah?
But it is the truth.That's why I'm so confused from time to time.I will tell you this even it sounds kinda childish and stupid for some extent.
I first thought about this sometimes when I was reading Death Note ( one of the most well-known Japanese mangas and animes). The main evil character named Light picked up the Death Note of one Shinigami( literally "Death- God") was bored to death in hell and wanted to have some fun so he dropped it in the human world.Whoever has that book have the power to force someone to death by some rules ( you can read the Death Note wiki to know more specific information).
The main problem here is in the very first beginning, Light attempted to use Death Note was good. He determined to use it to eliminate all the evils and bring peace into the world of a living. It was a good motivation in the first start.Then, when he discovered the way to use the Death Note properly , how it works , he began his punishment to who he thinks deserve to die because of that people wrongdoing.
I myself have to admit that in the very first start I thought he was a hero , a good guy , he even so smart and intelligent he started to punish many criminals to death.First, I totally agree with that kind of action , bring justice to this chaotic world. But then when the police find out many prisoners die.The cause of death is very strange and unexplainable.They decide to chase down who did this to their prisoners.
At that time , I wondered why they have to chase Light down? Actually, they should've praised for what he did.But then I realise what's the point of government's regulations and laws to protect people? What's the point of the a person sentenced to life imprisonment and a person sentenced to death-penalty.What's the difference if all the criminals all have to die immediately?
Because in some cases, people deserve a second chance.
And one thing after another, when the FBI stepped in , and when they almost found out who Kira is ( Kira in fact is Light's nickname, he named it himself and some people admire Kira for what he has done and also if I remember exactly Kira means God ).
And Can you imagine what would he do next to make him the evil one? Yes.He killed 12 FBI agents who went after him.12 people, in my opinion , who do whatever it takes to capture criminals and bad guys.Why they have to die? Just because they almost figure out who is the real Kira.And now I think you think the same thing as I am. What's about the very first reason he started doing all such things? Bring justice to this world, exterminate all the evils ever existence.
Are these 12 agents evil? Are they criminals? Are they guilty? No.They die because they were doing the right thing.
I can't believe this is real because as far as I know , some bad guys don't afraid of showing the world that's what they do even it's really a terrible thing.But this guy, Light they kill them just because he so scared that they finally put down the curtain , reveal the true identity of Kira.
I don't understand, no one force him to do that. Why he so scared everyone will know who he really is?
After that , he still doing all the horrible things. He didn't even think for a second maybe he should stop. Now I know he finally losing himself , he's losing the true goal when he first started doing all those things. He's chasing after power , he wants to gain the powerful power that no one in the world of a living has.
In the end , all the fightings , killings ,... are all about preventing people from recognize the true identity of Kira is actually Light. That is an action of a coward. He has guts to do things but don't have the courage to take all the responsibilities!!! He wants to control the death but he is also the one scare of the death most.
Such an Coward!
From that moment on, all the fight and killing and death, it's all about between L and Japanese police officers include Light's father - he's a chief officer.Sounds kinda sarcastic when his own son is the killer.I told you , life is so irony.
I almost forgot L is a famous FBI agent , he never show up his face but even the hardest cases , he can be able to manage to solve it.And this case isn't an exception.It's just , I'm sorry if I spoil it even you guys haven't watch it yet.He died even before Light and you know the reason why .Finally , he know who is real Kira is.That's so sad. But don't worry , L is so smart that he also made a plan to never let Light get away for what he has done.( I don't want to spoil another interesting thing before you watch it).It also teaches us that we should always make a plan for the future , maybe two plan A and plan B in case plan A don't go as we planned. :D
Let's get back to the story.
Light after several things he did , even it was all wrong but some people still think what he did is so awesome and Misa is one of them.Because Light killed the one who killed Misa family.She determined if she can find who did that , she will love him and do everything he ask.And that's what Light do.He didn't even notice her or like her at all until he found out Misa can do something for him and she even sacrificed half of her lifetime for Shinigami's eyes for Light.However, sometimes when Misa did some stupid things and won't obey his order , he was about to kill her but Misa has her own Shinigami and this Shinigami unfortunately , has a feeling for Misa so he wouldn't let Light kill her.( at the end, this Shinigami die for Misa sake. I can't believe it even Shinigami has a heart but a human like Light has not).
Ok, I know some people think Misa is so silly , put her life on Light hands.It's not Light fault because she just thrown herself at him. But after Misa, there is one girl that Light even told her that he loved her but was it true? Because when she was captured , she called him and hoped that Light could rescue her but I guess you know what Light did. He killed her without second thought. He just used her for his purpose.
I also learn for myself , don't trust people easily, sometimes they just fool us for their sakes.
How could it be possible? He even dare to call himself God of justice.So , where is the justice that he brought? I think all he brought to the world is chaos and death. He even think what he has done is for the best of this world.
But after all , what he did was only for himself , for his desire of power, all he ever wanted is power to control life and death, he wanted to be powerful.But who the hell do he think he is to judge people's lives , who should live and who should die? What's the point when he claim what he gunna do is for the people in this world to live in peace?
I'm not anyone special to told people what should they do? But I think sometimes you shouldn't tell the world what you do is for another person or the people in this world when all is for your purposes.If you want to do it for yourself ,just say it.Don't make you become bigger when all you ever wanted is only for little piece in this world is you. But even when you do it for only you , it's ok because after all deep inside everyone of us, what we do is really for ours.But don't use other, don't cheat on people , don't fool them to make profit for only you. I don't say that everyone deserve a second chance because there are something that already done can't never be forgiven. But only you can't decide someone's fate.
That's the reason why we have laws, court,.... I don't say it always true.Nobody's perfect. But at least, it sees through many eyes , many perspectives to find a right way to decide what to do for people's actions.
I learn alot from Death Note. And there are still many other things I have to learn.
I learn about justice, right and wrong, beliefs and many other things. Light is a strong opponent compare to L. It likes Evil is not always easy to defeated. But in the end , The good is always win no matter what happened.
I strongly recommend you should watch or read Death Note to find out your own thoughts and lessons.Once it was found, it never left.
