I easily get lazy. To be quite honest, I'm a super super lazy person. But not just that. I'm easily get bored, easily get the feeling of falling down, the feeling of disgusting myself. Sometimes I feel like I'm so proud of myself. At least I'm not that bad as I used to think I was. But then on another day, well, actually, it happens most of the time, all I see is a gray picture around me with no other colours. I started to feel insecure. I feel like I'm not really kind of an important person to this world as I thought I was. I feel like I'm invisible. Ok, I know I'm a little bit emotional from time to time. But that's not the point. Everyday passes me by, I always wanted to be someone. I want to be somebody, I want someone to hear my voice.
But sometimes the problem gets bigger. I even feel like I don't want to be myself anymore. I hate everything about me cuz everything about me is all wrong. I want to be somebody else. I want to be pretty. I wanna be tall. I wanna be a smart girl. I wanna be SOMEBODY.
Guess what, I cannot be like that all the time, don't you think?
When that kind of emotions come to me I do one thing I think it's the best for me. READ A GOOD STORY.
Well, I have to admit that I'm not kind of a nerd or something. If I was the kind of person into study that much, my life would be totally different by now.
Let's get back to the main point. "READ A GOOD STORY" doesn't mean you only just turn on your Iphone, Ipad, laptop, access the Internet and just read some news on some e-magazines or websites just showed up and grabbed your attention because of its headlines.
When it comes to READ, I mean real "READING". I'm fond of reading real books which is paper books. Ebooks are also not bad at all but it's just sometimes not really real to me. Read a good book, you feel like you connected to the story, to the main characters. Like me when I'm reading Harry Potter. Some thoughts on the book feel like mine in the real world. And it helps me get through the bad times everytime I read it. The story itself can actually change the way you think and make you feel a lot better.
However, you can also read amazing stories on some Facebook pages such as Humans of Hà Nội or Humans of New York. It's all about other ordinary lives around us.Sometimes it sounds oddly familiar to you somehow. Sometimes it's a touching story that makes you wanna cry. Sometimes, you feel empathy for the people, you feel like even we live in totally different places, in other side of the planet, we share our own languages, we have different culture, we have different living-environment, even our thoughts towards the same problem are different. But somehow, in some way, we feel like we connected, we share the same story of our lives.
And because all of that, when I'm reading a good story, I know I'm already somebody. I am ME. I have plenty of things to be proud of. I don't need to change the things that made me who I am. I only to change things when I really want to and it makes me become a better person. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DSEZrnqMT4I
I recommend you to read a good story when you feel down to make you feel much better, to helps you find encouragements to continue fighting your battles. And even when you feel happy, to make you realise how much important these moments are meant to you, then you will cherish it dearly.
As a famous quote " A reader lives a thousand lives before he dies. The man who never reads lives only one". READ A GOOD STORY.
Talking about a movie with a friend and incidentally she mentioned Thirty Seconds To Mars. I just felt like something need to be done which is about the song of this band I've been spent a long time to remember the name ( I haven't spent my time to search for it on the Internet). That's why I hurriedly started to search for them on Youtube this time. And finally, I found them not long ago.
Listening to the beat, the lyrics, the song itself reminds me of the past.
Thinking about the past, I always feel a little bit nostalgic.
I always thought I'm kind of person who into challenges and changes because I believe changing makes people become a better person. But now, every time I look back, I always hope everything hasn't changed.
Just like the seasons, people have the ability to change. People are changing all the time.
Some relationships, changes actually make it grows stronger but some are just not as simple as that.
It separates us. But none of us at fault to be quite honest. It's just time and growing up and other things. All these little things create a big distance between us.
Sometimes, I actually thought I'm the one at fault, I also wish I chose another path instead of this one.
But then, is everything gonna fall back together as it used to be as I imagined?
If I chose another path, I would be a totally different person now. Will it be good or bad for me? I couldn't tell. If I had another option, I wouldn't have a chance to be friend with some amazing people I met along the way. And I know for sure, my life will be so so boring without them.
Just like the movie "The Other Woman".
Maybe the very first minutes, you can think she is so pathetic when she finds out her husband are cheating on her. You're dead wrong. In that kind of situation, she finally be able to find her-true-self and truly understand her own talents. She is no longer a stupid house wife as she always thought about herself. And she also has new 2 BFFs. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LO36F--Vn1g
Well, maybe it's hard not to be ashamed of what we already chose but eventually, we realise it might be actually lead us to a better future.
There are no best option, it's just simple as a better option for us after all.
Maybe this quote I just read was so right.
"Every path is the right path. Everything could've been anything else. And it would have just as much meaning."
I guess the best thing to do now is to keep moving forward and keep all the good memories of the past in our heart. No matter what happened, those memories were mine and I'm thankful for it.
Let's try our best for the future and just let go of the things we can't no longer be able to hold on to.
I myself have to say that when I saw this "Before I die I want to..." project. I really really want to do a project exactly like this desperately.
You can realise lots of things from " Before I die I want to..." for yourself. Before I die I want to
Just like the inspirational speech of Ms.Candy Chang https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uebxlIrosiM
It's about knowing your not alone.
It's about making space for reflection and contemplation, and remembering what really matters most to us as we grow and change.
And two of the most valuable things we have are time and relationships with other people.
In our age of increasing distractions, it's more important than ever to find ways to maintain perspective and remember that life if brief and tender.
Death is something that we're often discouraged to talk about or even think about but I've realised that preparing for death is one of the most empowering things you can do.
Thinking about death clarifies your life.
Or I bet you may have heard the famous speech of Steve Jobs at Stanford commencement in 2005. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UF8uR6Z6KLc
Remembering that I'll be dead soon is the most important tool I've ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything, all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure, these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important .
Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.
Well, spend time to think about what you truly want to do, truly want to achieve, truly matters to you and share with me your thoughts :).
And for me there are lots and lots of things I wanna write in that sentence.
Before I die I want to travel the world.
Before I die I want to cure my dad's sickness.
Before I die I want to take my mom to Netherlands.
Before I die I want to live my life to the fullest, have no regrets.
....
It takes a very long time to find the second teacher that I really really really admire and respect that way after my head teacher in junior high school. This person no wonder is Dr. Nguyen Hai Ninh a.k.a Hani Oppa. The reason why I call Mr. Know it all Oppa is simple - age doesn't go the same way with the definition " Young" or "Old". It's about characteristics and the way people spend their life, the way they think, bla bla.
And the way Hani Oppa "enjoying" his life is exactly the way I always wanted.
The thing about Hani Oppa is that he is not only teach us the real knowledge but also how to think which is one of the most difficult challenges for all of the education reforms' makers.
I almost agree to all of the things he said based on his point of views. Because like he said, there are things I cannot agree with him totally cuz I also believe things from my perspective.
For instance, I believe people CAN make the history not just only History creates great man like he said such as Bill Gates - one of the most rich&famous person had created the world we are living in today - the world of technology.
Just like I mentioned above, I almost agree almost all the things he said.
From his perspective, I realise several things:
Changing destiny or fate or whatever , you know, it's not really the main point, it's actually just about your attitude towards your life - you are the only one who take responsibilities for your decisions, your life. I mean, it's hard to have a perfect life you always wanted or let it the way you wanted it to, however, it doesn't mean you cannot be happy. Who says my teacher doesn't have a happy life even I strongly believe according to some people, in his age, he should have a different life or act differently.
And you are just a small element in this big big world, there are things you cannot control, there are things you can do whatever it takes to avoid it but it will happen anyway. So the only thing you should do is enjoying this life as much as possible :D
When you are young, you should choose your ups and downs. It's not really an easy thing to do. But that's why we are here to learn, aren't we?
When he said about people should choose when and where to fall. I remember a story about Steve Jobs, he chose to leave Apple when he knew not many people in the company which is the one he was the founder stood by his side. And then the new chapter was opened for him and you know what happened next, he came back to Apple and he also was the founder of great Pixar and brought Apple in its golden age. When we choose to do something, it is our own decision, we feel more free and relax to begin again and try something new and creative and bla bla :).
"We don't want to be all the same but we do want to understand each other".
He helped me to realise the beauty in Travelling is to see new things but it's not only about "actual" things like a building or something but also about people's lives and stories in that place.
Understanding a CULTURE is quite an exceptional thing we should do.
Learning a HISTORY is actually a precious knowledge we have ever learned. We have to know deeply about our own glorious history- our past in order to create a bright future for the next generation.
We have to let somebody do a totally different things even it sounds insane in the first place. Because if we don't do things and think differently, how can we be able to move forward to compare with other nations like Uncle Ho said?
How can things can be better if we only want to do things the way keep us stand still or worst moving backward?
We can do all ways possible to achieve the things we want but it's not involve trampling others and stabing other people in the back.
We should take responsibilities for what we have done. Don't use "collectivism theory" for excuses.
We need to be united to moving forward but don't using that with a bunch of people to avoid responsibilities.
I'm not actually objecting some thoughts of him about the role of woman and their behaviors, personalities in a modern world. We have to accept the fact even it's bad before we can overcome it ,deal with it and finally capable of using it. Just like one of the quote in IB lessons " There are three ways to add value in a world where differences are still matter ADAPTATION, AGGREGATION, ARBITRAGE" I know what side I choose I have to sacrifice the other side but it's just my choice and the life I wanted. I acknowledge it and won't deny it but I accept it because it's my choice. That's all.
I understand it so I won't be so DOWN when it actually happen someday. And I won't judge other people's lifestyles cuz that is the decisons to make, just like mine. But thank you for reminding of the ugly facts, Hani Oppa :">
And last but not least, the hot topic in recent days in my class : "LOVE". :)))
I just want to say briefly that sometimes, we do acknowledge things but we do it anyway just to experience it cuz it's not really will break us into piecies when " Break-up thing in love'' does happen eventually. They will cover soon so Oppa should let them "experience" it on their own. It sounds more exciting =)))
There are more things I learned from Hani Oppa's sharings but I prefer to keep it for myself for now :P
Thursday and I'm too lazy to do anything. I decided to stay at home and watched TV.
And that's the way how I know The Kings of Summer and this movie is the reason why I write this blog.
Watching The Kings of Summer , I felt something very familiar. When I was a kid, I always wanted to grew fast to become a grown-up. I hated being told what to do. I hated following orders. I always wanted freedom. Sometimes our family treated like we were only a kid ( even it was true) but we could not accept that fact. We wanted to be treated like an adult who can take responsibilities for our own lives.
We wanted to go away, to live by our own, to seek freedom, to show adults we are not their kids anymore.
But there were more things I learned from this awesome movie ( I can understand now why The Kings of Summer has very high IMDB rating around 8 or more. I highly recommend you should watch it).
There will be a time when we won't be able to find an agreement between we and our best friends, and we might think we lost them because they are not who they used to be anymore, we don't have something in common with them that bind us together anymore.
There will be a time we break down because of our best friend. Let's imagine what will you do if our crush fall in love with your best buddy, not you?
And it's not your fault, you crush fault or you bff fault. It's just natural, they fall in love with each other. That's all. I don't think I can accept that fact easily. I can be mean at anytime. That's who I am. And nobody's perfect, right?
But come to think of it it's just a crush, not love. Let it go and wish them live happily ever after are the right thing to do. Why let that stupid thing ruins our friendship we build on trust and understanding for a very long time.
I don't care what people think of you, if you care about me, I care about you, we appreciate our friendship more than anything, we can even go to hell for our best friend if it necessary just like they way Baggio did for Joe in The Kings of Summer.
And after all , Joe still miss Patrick and want they can be best buddy again even he used to mad at him because of the relationship between Patrick and Kelly- Joe's dream girl.
More importantly, this movie is about how parents treat their kids. Our parents always love us A LOT.
It's just they show it the wrong way sometimes. That's what create our barriers and misunderstanding with our parents. Because we never told them what we really think so they thought the way they did, all the things they told us to do were the best for us.
But when they figure it out, they will do things differently, make it better. Because in the end, family is the one always support us,always stay by our side, never left us even when the whole world turns back on us. We just need to talk to them honestly, give them more time and chances to understand about us. That's all.
After all, it won't be an awesome moment without our family and friends being there with us, right?
July is about comin' to an end.
I don't want to say this due to the fact that recently people have been witnessing many tragic events ( I will mention about it on another blog).
This one I only want to talk about my beautiful and wonderful July which is the best month in the whole year, helps me have the best summer ever.
I joined the Global Passport Project of AIESEC which is the best decision I've ever made - I have to admit that. I made a lot of friends, learned bunch of new things, realised many precious lessons that I will never forget. I realise I need to learn a lot more to become the one I always wanted to be. I realise what I really wanna do, what I am really good at and where I really wanna go so badly.
Actually, I have to admit that I don't really enjoy having fun when I was in the project but thanks to this project I discovered a lot about myself. That's definitely not an easy thing to do.
In the near future, I absolutely will join more and more different projects of AIESEC. It's so fucking awesome !!!!
I also joined Vietnamese Youth Model United Nations but unfortunately I was not joined as a delegate , only an obsever but you know, I realised that I am really interested in Politics, United Nations,...
From now on, I know what kind of information I need to do research, what kind of skills I need to learn and improve, what kind of person I wanna become. And one more important thing, I determine to become a delegate of VYMUN next year.
In July, I also know that I'm truly passionate about English - which is one of the languages I love the most. I'm not only want to learn it as an academic language because it's a beautiful language. Actually, it's more than a language to me. I truly want to know more deeply about this language through cultures, literature and history and other things.
There were few bad things happened. I was so upset about that but now I take it as a lesson which reminds me of how bad I really am and I need to change to become a much person because I don't want to miss any opportunities come to me anymore just because I'm not a responsible person. I need a big change and I promise I will change. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ebXbLfLACGM
On the very first day of July, I met up with my old friend from junior high school after so many years we haven't seen each other. We used to thought we just only normal friends just like everyelse we accidentally meet in this life but it turned we felt like we just never far apart, we just like always talk to each other because after for a long time, we still know each other so well. In the end, it won't be an awesome moment of your life if your friends won't be there to share it with you.
I also realise that I quite keen on learning because it helps me know more about this world. I will never stop learning.
There are still many things I learned from July :x and bunch of things I wanna share but I guess this is kinda enough for today ^^ Ah, almost forgot, Germany won the World Cup this year Woohoo!!!!!
Summer 2014 - Best summer ever <3
Whatever the path you chose, you always looked back and felt nostalgic about the path you didn't choose.
That's why there will never be something like choosing without regrets. You have to believe the path you chose is the right answer and make it right. That's all.
Happiness is something inside you, it's the way you think. The way you acknowledge yourself, the way you make a decision and create a habit.
Sometimes, barriers are formed by our limited thoughts. Think outside the box, overcome all the obstacles in front of you and you will find your freedom.
Lost isn't scary, the most scary thing is you don't know where to go. Once you commit to doing it, no matter where you go, you will reach your destination.
If you can't get a miracle, become one.
There are several things I just realised so important to me to do right away before it's too late.
And also now I'm aware of how powerful and effective it is to have a very clear plan for the future and commit to following it.
I was so immature few months ago. Just want to go, leave this place and come to a totally different place. Why I didn't think of the way to do it? I only thought of " I need to go, go and go" but actually I haven't prepared anything for it.
Come to think of it right now, I'm so dumb!!!
But now just put it aside.
I know now I need a specific plan for me to follow to get what I really want.
First, this summer (there will be another blog writes about my coffession for what I've done wrong) I decide to take an IELTS class in order to take the real test on December this year or January if I need to pratice more.
And my goal is to get at least 7.5. I know it won't be easy but right now I already got at least 5.5 so if I work flat out I think I can be able to pass with flying colors.
I also need to put an effort to become a conscientious person to achieve a good performance in my university ( I know I can't get an excellent one but still I will try my best).
When I get my IELTS test result ( I hope I can reach my goal). I will immediately study CFA level 1 in my third year in university. I want to have it to beautify my profile. I know it will cost me a lot of money, time and effort but I commit to doing it. So when I'm in final year I can be able to achieve the CFA level 1 certification
Because when I graduate with the CFA level 1 certification, I can find a good job ( I hope so) to earn money to continue pursuing my study abroad and my hobby is to travelling.
I almost forgot to mention, while I'm studying for the IELTS exam I also practise TOEFL iBt because you know studying the old format of an exam all over again it could be so boring. And it can be an open door for me if I want to study MBA in USA.
And also if I commit to working around the clock these days in my final year, I can have a little more spare time to do some charity works or join a non-profit organization to also beautify my profile.
And finally while I'm working to earn money I also prepare for GMAT test because it's a requirement when you want to study Master Degree in Business.
I also need to how to drive a motorbike and a car. At least a motorbike for me because it makes me more independent and in my free time , I want to learn other languages such as Spanish, Japanese,.. maybe not too much, just know how to say some basic phrases :)
I guess there's no other way than work my a** off to get all these things.
Some parts in me always
wish somehow I could be just like almost people living and stuyding here right
now. I wish I could be a person enjoy everything she has without any high
expectations. I wish if I couldn’t change the fact that I’m a daydreamer, I could
have gut to chase after what I always wanted, what I truly believe in. Even I myself
cannot know exactly what kind of person I am.
Who the hell am I? What am
I capable of? What can I do?
I live, I eat, I breath, I
go to school, I learn, I play,… Everything I do everyday in this place just
seem so normal, so not unusual at all. Why am I still feel like I’m missing
something very important?
From time to time, I was
utterly contemptuous of myself. I thought maybe I should accept this situation
I’m in entirely, I shouldn’t try to struggle violently to get out. Because the
more I struggled, the deeper I sank in the mud.
I’m so confused. People who
know me, not “know” the way truly understand the person I am, people who have
been known me for a very very long time, they already witnessed how many times
I had failed. They told me not to dream so far, out of my reach. They told me
just try to fit in, try to settle down, just try to be not so bad. In
conclusion, just try to be a normal person. They used to think I can be not
very good but at least I can be good enough for them. I used to hate them for
the way they think I am. I blame them, I blame everything else for what I’ve
done, for my own failure. But now, I’m aware of my own self. I have nobody to
blame but myself. But what I can do to change that fact?
Nothing. Nothing I can do
to change the past, to change what already done, what already happened.
I also realised that they
weren’t underestimated me the way I think it was. They just worry about me,
they don’t want me to dream the thing I cannot reach. They are just realistic,
they don’t want me to be lost in daydreams, to have my head on the clouds.
Because they are the one who already saw “what” I became when failed, when I
couldn’t have what I wanted.
I’m sorry for hating you
for so long. I didn’t realised you just don’t want to see me disappointed, you
always want me to live happily but I’m so selfish, I only think about myself,
what I can do for myself, what I can achieve for myself, I couldn’t see that
very clearly. But now I am. I really am.
I’m sorry for living in
fantasy and forgetting about reality in front of me for so long. I’m sorry for
not smiling as much as I can when I can. I’m sorry for sometimes ruining the
happy moments of our big family. I’m sorry for crying and even don’t bother to
pretend I’m happy and congarulations to my counsin’s success. I was jealous of
what he’s capable of, I was blindly jealous, why I can’t the thing he can, why
he has to be so different from me, everytime he say he wants something, he
undoubtedly makes it comes true. I’m so
ashamed of myself. How can I ever think that? My dearest
Everyone was born with
their own unique things to distinguish them with the rest of the world. I was
born orginal why am I want to live my life like a copy? I know I want to be
successful just like him but at that time I did not know he worked very hard to
gain what he dream of. Look at me, and I ask myself, for once in my life have I
ever worked my a** off to achieve something? The answer is very crystal clear:
No. That’s the big different between me and him. And I know he totally
understands what he’s really good at. Once again, look at me. I’m not sure what
I’m good at.I don’t even know what I really like to do and what I really want
to become. I have to spend time to figure out all these things on my own before
getting into something else. No matter how long it takes. Because if I can’t
find what truly belong to me, only I have it, it’s my thing I can never truly
live my life. Because when everything else fall apart, what truly me can’t
never go away. Even now I’m still on my way find out all these things by
myself, I’m truly happy for my cousin, I’m very proud of him and he will be my
motivation to continue pursuing what I believe meant to be done.
I have to admit that there’s
a time, even now sometimes I still feeling that way I’m jealous of other people’s
family and I think why can’t my family be like that?
And I’m really really sorry
for that thought. Nobody’s perfect. My family always beside when I’m up and
down. Everytime when I feel lost my way, home is the only place I can run to, I
can be the one and only me. Long time ago I didn’t know exactly the meaning of “Home”
but now I am. And I won’t trade them for anythingelse fame, money or something.
That’s only the surface. It’s not the true thing and won’t last forever. But love
from family is ever lasting feeling and won’t fade away easily.
Just like the song from Hannah Montana: The Movie You'll always your way back home
I know you’re all worry about
me. But this time believe me, when I find out what are the things I truly want
to do, nothing can stop me and even I fail again, I will find another way but I
won’t never lose myself or lose what I treasure the most. I know maybe you will
think just another fantasy dream. But now it’s not. Because I know what I can
do and can’t do. I still hestitate and not sure about several things, still
confused about my future, still trembling but when I’m figure it out believe me
I will take my chance and do it. Is that too much to ask when we all living
only one life? I won’t let go what important to me, I won’t be sad and
depressed too much when things fall down like all the other time. Just have
faith in me, everything will be alright what meant to be, it will be.
Thank you all for always
being there for me. Thank you for giving me this life and all the experiences I’ve
been through. Sometimes it hurts so bad, sometimes I just wanna delete it all
from my memories but I won’t never trade it for somethingelse. I'm thankful for the things I don't have.Sounds crazy hah. Because what I have and not have are the things make me ME
Because
these experiences are my own things, no one else can have it except me in this
big big world
You know, life sometimes has very extraordinary way to surprise us.
I don't really know until the day came and told me "I should try that". All of a sudden, I realised something.Something is very important.I have known it for a very long time. I always wanted to become a part of it. It's just time passed by and I totally forgot about it.
And now, when everything seems to fall apart, that love comes back to me like a guide light, guide me through the darkness and shows me I still have hope, that hope won't never leave me, it always there beside me when I need it the most.
And of course I believe it's my destiny therefore it won't be easy for me to reach it. Nothing worth having comes easy, you know. You have to go through many challenges to prove it's not just another day-dream of yours.
You may wonder whom I have to prove to.
Not surprisingly, this one is me. I used to fool myself it was my family.I can't go anywhere with their permission, their acception. But believe me, they only do that because they don't think I can go anywhere.Why? Because it's my dream but I'm the one who don't believe I can do it in the first place.
So if I can't prove to myself I need to do it and I can, I will only stand still.
You may ask why my blogs are all full of my writings just like a dairy.Maybe it's not.
But right now, it really is.
Because I'm so confused. I write so later on I can see it and one day when I finally go through all of these problems I can be so proud of myself.
Despite of all the doubts, I will not let it go this time.
I decide to keep it tightly and won't let go no matter what happen. And now I won't afraid of time anymore because I believe if it's meant to be. It will be.
I fight for it til the end no matter how long it takes.
The day will come, soon, when I can finally say So lucky I won't give up on you easily that time , my precious dream :x
I myself already knew I'm a loser. I can't never forget that for one second in my entire life.It's just sometimes I see something so wonderful and I thought maybe my life won't have to be so blur, so boring , so so the way I see it. You don't have to remind me of how imperfection I am in every aspect like that. You think I never care about that? It's my own problem. Who the hell am I if I don't care about my own things?
I'm just pretending with the attitude " I don't care " because I thought people won't think me so pathetic when I can't solve it on my own. You think I never worry about that? You are dead wrong. Everyday, I look at myself in the mirror and I wonder when I will be look as pretty as everyone else or when I will be achieve something that makes me proud of myself and also everyone. I already tried but it didn't work. I know it's my fault. I always blame everything on myself. You don't have to repeat that to makes me so pitiful. I already knew I'm so pathetic.
Everything I do is a mistake , everything I have done was a mistake. Everything I am also is a mistake. Nothing is right. I know that and I always remember that everyday and wonder why God create something like me to be existed in this world?
But I don't want to die. I want to try more and more. I don't believe I can't do anything right in this whole life I was given. It's so precious for someone like me.
If I die , it will be a life I only live for myself. I never wanted that. I want to live for my mom , my dad and my sister. I don't want to die without doing anything good left behind before I go.
I don't wanna die without knowing my life is a gift and never regret the way I lived it.
I know clearly that I will never be perfect as someone so why do you have to compare us all the time?
I already I'm never good enough , why do you have to remind of me of how stupid I am?
I already knew , I just never say it out loud. That's why you think I don't know?
I just try my best to do everything I can but I know I'm never good enough.
Good enough is something out of my reach.
I want to go, go far away from here. Where I can be myself , people can critics me but I will accept and move on and next time I try to make it better. If it won't work , I will keep trying. Not like here. Even if I try I will drown anyways.
I want to go to somewhere no one knows where I'm from , what my real name is , what I've already done in the past and even if they knew , they don't care. they just focus on who I really am at the moment.
I wanna go far but it doesn't mean I will left behind everything here. I just go to keep in mind only beautiful memories of this place and one day when I come back , we only talk about happy moments because life is too short and I won't live here with them forever. you can call it a runaway or whatever you want , I don't care because the reason why I leave because I love travelling to different places , meeting new people , trying something new and more important I want to appreciate everything I have here. I maybe mad at you but I know whatever you say , you only care about me.That's all. That's why I can never hated you.
It's only I'm not strong enough to here critics about me. I'm on my way to learn how to be strong and live my life without caring too much about what others say about me.
There are still too much things out there for me to learn. I know I can't be able to learn them all but I will try my best.
Dunno if I make any mistake , just writing when I'm crying and dunno what to do to make it stop.
Sometimes, I want to write but then I realise I don't know what to write and maybe I wonder how I can write about it the right way. But then instead of spending time thinking and wondering , I decide to start writing , write whatever my mind told me to.
I'm about getting 20 in the next few months. And somehow, I'm so excited because 20 so I can be so "mature" and " adult" but then I think actually that things don't depend on how old I am.
Some people can be so grown-up even they are still on the age of spending time to playing and sleeping,... but because of some specific reasons , they started to taking all the responsibilities for their families from very early age.
I know I'm not a genius or something like that so I don't expect I can do something big to change the world or else. But somehow, I still believe I can do something that make me proud of myself. My life isn't really boring and I'm not really useless.
But the fact is prove the oppisite. Yeah, you can tell me that if I want to have something to be proud of ,I don't need to do something big , maybe it's can be a small thing to myself. It's enough. But don't be so surprise, even just a little thing for my little self , I haven't done anything good yet. I always let people I love and love me down. I always fail.
From time to time I wish I can be just like the main character in " 13 is going 30 " or " Click".
Suddenly , I become myself but not in the present but in the future when I'm 30. I can figure what I have done in the past ( even I'm not actually doing it yet but I will because My future self already done it).
And maybe I will confused because I never picture my future self would be like this or like that.
I always take myself at the moment to decide what I'm gonna do when I'm going to face several kind of problems in the future. Now I know it can't be possible. It will be totally different in the future and unpredictable.
I know my life can't be never like in the movies. I can't never have a chance out of nowhere to take me to see the future and then come back the present to change the future I just saw.
What if my future will be a disaster? What I'm suppose to do next?
I don't know. Am I gonna break down? or Am I still believe I can change and make it better?
I know I should be live like this or like that so my life will get better? But who will secure 100% for me that it will work.
We can't never tell.
I know it sounds crazy if I wish I had a chance to see the future or have a remote that can pause the happy moments or skip the sad parts of our lives. All I ever wanted is second chance. I wish everything I've done wrong I could have a chance to fix it.
Just like the main character , he skipped every moment he didn't like so he missed so many precious moments of his lives. But in the end, when he was about to die alone in the street and it was raining really hard , it was a life blighted by tragedy and he realised he was wrong to passed all that moments and he should live his life with all the sad and happy moments with his family - the one he loves most.
You are all know what happened next , he got a second chance to go back in time and changed everything from the start.
I just want to have a second chance to fix the things I had done wrong and make it better . And it will be better.
The things I'm about to say are kinda silly or so familiar and old-fashion just like you guys all hear it so many times before.
But deep inside have you ever wondered what would you do if you know you won't die tomorrow but you only have few months left?
Sounds depressed but we can't expect we can live this life forever even it's beautiful or so irony that never go the way as we planned.
Even I have to be honest with myself that sometimes I wish I can write a script for my entire life and run it exactly the way I predicted it should be. But it won't be fun and full of surprises anymore if we already knew everything is about to happen.
Maybe at first , you couldn't like it and hate it but somehow , it can be the best thing ever happened to you. Just like the friendship with two old-men Edward and Carter with their bucket list together few months before they die.
If you don't have any plan for the weekend , maybe you should watch" The Bucket List" and pull out your own things after watching it because I'm about to create my own Bucket List and I'm suggesting you now you should have your own ^^. It could be very interesting.
Please don't think that I'm saying you guys are about to die or wonder if I'm about going to die.
Yes, we all gonna die.It's just not now and I'm writing all the things I wanna do before I'm about to kick the bucket. And also I don't wanna live a life that before I close my eyes I still have things I regret that I haven't done yet.
Briefly , this is my Bucket List: ( I will do it as soon as possible before changin' it )
Ten things:
1, Kiss the boy I had a crush on for around 4,5 years.( on the cheek first).
2,Sing a Japanese song in front of the crowd.
3, Write a short story and send it to a magazine.
4, Have a small tattoo.
5, Smile brightly with a total stranger.
6,Write a letter to my father , tell him how much I love him and I don't want him to continue drink alcohol and spend money without thinking and hurting my mom's feelings.
7, Buy a dress and wear it in front of my high school's classmates.
8, Take a very weird picture in Ly Thai To park
9,Start a conversation with a very handsome foreign guy at Hoan Kiem Lake.
10, Knitting a scaft.
What are yours? You can tell me by comment below :)
I've been trying to convince myself I will never regret this.But deep inside I was lying to myself. How pathetic!
I was always thought that my life is so hard but actually it's hard because I'm thinking so and I'm never trying to make it better. And frankly, my life is so boring because I was so afraid of taking chances and trying new things , stepping out of my comfort zone.
I only a daydreamer, I'm just dreaming day by day , night by night but do nothing to make it real.
I'm a coward , I even so scared and think that I will be living here and wait for the opportunities to get me out of here.But chances will never come if I continue sitting here and do nothing but waiting.
There's time I feel bored to death that I even used to it and feel nothing else but just day after day chatted on facebook ,watched movies and do other useless things.
From time to time , I think I should do something else but sometimes I just think and then forgot all about it the next moment , sometimes I only stuck to it few days and got rid of it the next days.
I've been telling myself I can't live this kind of lives any longer but then the next thing I do is just so.. SO!
I just feel bored and come to my best friend and talk and talk.First time , she helped me alot, she even tried to tell me to continue to believe in myself and follow my dreams.But even she can notice and tired of me because people when they feel bored and try to talk with other people is because they want to find a way out to do the things they want to do.But whenever I wanted to talk to her , it's just always the same thing , the same problem and I never get out of it . The reason is so simple because I'm just complaining and thinking but doing nothing.
I've been a loser for a very long time.I wanted to do alot of things but not even a thing came true. And now , it's not even show a sign that it's gonna end soon if I continue living this way.
But come to think of it , I won't regret the time I already spent in this land because here , I met many good friends and gave me many precious advices that I won't never forget for the rest of my life.
We've been sharing all the beautiful times together. When I was confessed my love to a boy but he wasn't replied, when I was got a very high score and even the lowest score I've ever got.
We share the things we wanna do in the future when we leave this land.
But it's just, I have to go now , to discover my own things.I know they will understand and even support me if that's the thing I reall want to do.
Almost all of my friends , they all find their own things, their own clubs to contribute to , to live the fullest , to spend all the university years worthy to live with their own things and to make it the best memories they will never forgotten.They meet many people with the same goals, ...
But look at me, I haven't found even just a little thing for my own to be proud of. And not that I'm sick of this place, I love my friends here but I know I will meet them somewhere else again because we're true friends.
I'm so depressed to meet new people , to make friends, want to try to live literally on my own in totally different places , I want to take risks , I want to make more and more money for my family, I want to make them proud of me.
I can't live a day without thinking about the day I will go. I just think that I can't live in the same place for too long. I just born to go, to meet new people , to discover new culture, to do new things.
I want to go for a life's changing adventure.
It's not simple that I don't love where I was born or where my friends and family are.But it's just feel great when you go and come back to a familiar place.That's feeling I was tasted 10 years ago. I want to taste it once again.
It's fanstastic when you going on a journey then go back home to see where you can be who you are and do all the crazy things that you can't do somewhere else.
It's not just I don't love my home sweet home anymore .I just to feel awesome when I'm going far very far and one day I'm going back home.
I have to go far away and to go back one day , to feel things different and familiar at the same time. I miss that feeling.
I know now it's the perfect time to go.
And I will go.
You know Life is tough. Whatever you do , whenever you go , whoever you meet.What's the point of all that?
I don't know what are you thinking right now but I believe part of your journey is about finding yourself.
Some people losing themselves along the way.Some after quite a long time , they realise by their own, what do they really want, somehow they can manage to go back to the true purpose why they started doing it in the first place.
However, some are not. How come?
Truth be told , I don't know.Sounds irony, hah?
But it is the truth.That's why I'm so confused from time to time.I will tell you this even it sounds kinda childish and stupid for some extent.
I first thought about this sometimes when I was reading Death Note ( one of the most well-known Japanese mangas and animes). The main evil character named Light picked up the Death Note of one Shinigami( literally "Death- God") was bored to death in hell and wanted to have some fun so he dropped it in the human world.Whoever has that book have the power to force someone to death by some rules ( you can read the Death Note wiki to know more specific information).
The main problem here is in the very first beginning, Light attempted to use Death Note was good. He determined to use it to eliminate all the evils and bring peace into the world of a living. It was a good motivation in the first start.Then, when he discovered the way to use the Death Note properly , how it works , he began his punishment to who he thinks deserve to die because of that people wrongdoing.
I myself have to admit that in the very first start I thought he was a hero , a good guy , he even so smart and intelligent he started to punish many criminals to death.First, I totally agree with that kind of action , bring justice to this chaotic world. But then when the police find out many prisoners die.The cause of death is very strange and unexplainable.They decide to chase down who did this to their prisoners.
At that time , I wondered why they have to chase Light down? Actually, they should've praised for what he did.But then I realise what's the point of government's regulations and laws to protect people? What's the point of the a person sentenced to life imprisonment and a person sentenced to death-penalty.What's the difference if all the criminals all have to die immediately?
Because in some cases, people deserve a second chance.
And one thing after another, when the FBI stepped in , and when they almost found out who Kira is ( Kira in fact is Light's nickname, he named it himself and some people admire Kira for what he has done and also if I remember exactly Kira means God ).
And Can you imagine what would he do next to make him the evil one? Yes.He killed 12 FBI agents who went after him.12 people, in my opinion , who do whatever it takes to capture criminals and bad guys.Why they have to die? Just because they almost figure out who is the real Kira.And now I think you think the same thing as I am. What's about the very first reason he started doing all such things? Bring justice to this world, exterminate all the evils ever existence.
Are these 12 agents evil? Are they criminals? Are they guilty? No.They die because they were doing the right thing.
I can't believe this is real because as far as I know , some bad guys don't afraid of showing the world that's what they do even it's really a terrible thing.But this guy, Light they kill them just because he so scared that they finally put down the curtain , reveal the true identity of Kira.
I don't understand, no one force him to do that. Why he so scared everyone will know who he really is?
After that , he still doing all the horrible things. He didn't even think for a second maybe he should stop. Now I know he finally losing himself , he's losing the true goal when he first started doing all those things. He's chasing after power , he wants to gain the powerful power that no one in the world of a living has.
In the end , all the fightings , killings ,... are all about preventing people from recognize the true identity of Kira is actually Light. That is an action of a coward. He has guts to do things but don't have the courage to take all the responsibilities!!! He wants to control the death but he is also the one scare of the death most.
Such an Coward!
From that moment on, all the fight and killing and death, it's all about between L and Japanese police officers include Light's father - he's a chief officer.Sounds kinda sarcastic when his own son is the killer.I told you , life is so irony.
I almost forgot L is a famous FBI agent , he never show up his face but even the hardest cases , he can be able to manage to solve it.And this case isn't an exception.It's just , I'm sorry if I spoil it even you guys haven't watch it yet.He died even before Light and you know the reason why .Finally , he know who is real Kira is.That's so sad. But don't worry , L is so smart that he also made a plan to never let Light get away for what he has done.( I don't want to spoil another interesting thing before you watch it).It also teaches us that we should always make a plan for the future , maybe two plan A and plan B in case plan A don't go as we planned. :D
Let's get back to the story.
Light after several things he did , even it was all wrong but some people still think what he did is so awesome and Misa is one of them.Because Light killed the one who killed Misa family.She determined if she can find who did that , she will love him and do everything he ask.And that's what Light do.He didn't even notice her or like her at all until he found out Misa can do something for him and she even sacrificed half of her lifetime for Shinigami's eyes for Light.However, sometimes when Misa did some stupid things and won't obey his order , he was about to kill her but Misa has her own Shinigami and this Shinigami unfortunately , has a feeling for Misa so he wouldn't let Light kill her.( at the end, this Shinigami die for Misa sake. I can't believe it even Shinigami has a heart but a human like Light has not).
Ok, I know some people think Misa is so silly , put her life on Light hands.It's not Light fault because she just thrown herself at him. But after Misa, there is one girl that Light even told her that he loved her but was it true? Because when she was captured , she called him and hoped that Light could rescue her but I guess you know what Light did. He killed her without second thought. He just used her for his purpose.
I also learn for myself , don't trust people easily, sometimes they just fool us for their sakes.
How could it be possible? He even dare to call himself God of justice.So , where is the justice that he brought? I think all he brought to the world is chaos and death. He even think what he has done is for the best of this world.
But after all , what he did was only for himself , for his desire of power, all he ever wanted is power to control life and death, he wanted to be powerful.But who the hell do he think he is to judge people's lives , who should live and who should die? What's the point when he claim what he gunna do is for the people in this world to live in peace?
I'm not anyone special to told people what should they do? But I think sometimes you shouldn't tell the world what you do is for another person or the people in this world when all is for your purposes.If you want to do it for yourself ,just say it.Don't make you become bigger when all you ever wanted is only for little piece in this world is you. But even when you do it for only you , it's ok because after all deep inside everyone of us, what we do is really for ours.But don't use other, don't cheat on people , don't fool them to make profit for only you. I don't say that everyone deserve a second chance because there are something that already done can't never be forgiven. But only you can't decide someone's fate.
That's the reason why we have laws, court,.... I don't say it always true.Nobody's perfect. But at least, it sees through many eyes , many perspectives to find a right way to decide what to do for people's actions.
I learn alot from Death Note. And there are still many other things I have to learn.
I learn about justice, right and wrong, beliefs and many other things. Light is a strong opponent compare to L. It likes Evil is not always easy to defeated. But in the end , The good is always win no matter what happened.
I strongly recommend you should watch or read Death Note to find out your own thoughts and lessons.Once it was found, it never left.
