Mistake

I myself already knew I'm a loser. I can't never forget that for one second in my entire life.It's just sometimes I see something so wonderful and I thought maybe my life won't have to be so blur, so boring , so so the way I see it. You don't have to remind me of how imperfection I am in every aspect like that. You think I never care about that? It's my own problem. Who the hell am I if I don't care about my own things?

I'm just pretending with the attitude " I don't care " because I thought people won't think me so pathetic when I can't solve it on my own. You think I never worry about that? You are dead wrong. Everyday, I look at myself in the mirror and I wonder when I will be look as pretty as everyone else or when I will be achieve something that makes me proud of myself and also everyone. I already tried but it didn't work. I know it's my fault. I always blame everything on myself. You don't have to repeat that to makes me so pitiful. I already knew I'm so pathetic.

Everything I do is a mistake , everything I have done was a mistake. Everything I am  also is a mistake. Nothing is right. I know that and I always remember that everyday and wonder why God create something like me to be existed in this world?

But I don't want to die. I want to try more and more. I don't believe I can't do anything right in this whole life I was given. It's so precious for someone like me.

If I die , it will be a life I only live for myself. I never wanted that. I want to live for my mom , my dad and my sister. I don't want to die without doing anything good left behind before I go.

I don't wanna die without knowing my life is a gift and  never regret the way I lived it.

I know clearly that I will never be perfect as someone so why do you have to compare us all the time?

I already I'm never good enough , why do you have to remind of me of how stupid I am?

I already knew , I just never say it out loud. That's why you think I don't know?

I just try my best to do everything I can but I know I'm never good enough.

Good enough is something out of my reach.

I want to go, go far away from here. Where I can be myself , people can critics me but I will accept and move on and next time I try to make it better. If it won't work , I will keep trying. Not like here. Even if I try I will drown anyways.

I want to go to somewhere no one knows  where I'm from , what my real name is , what I've already done in the past and even if they knew , they don't care. they just focus on who I really am at the moment.

I wanna go far but it doesn't mean I will left behind everything here. I just go to keep in mind only beautiful memories of this place and one day when I come back , we only talk about happy moments because life is too short and I won't live here with them forever. you can call it  a runaway or whatever you want , I don't care because the reason why I leave because I love travelling to different places , meeting new people , trying something new and more important I want to appreciate everything I have here. I maybe mad at you but I know whatever you say , you only care about me.That's all. That's why I can never hated you.
It's only I'm not strong enough to here critics about me. I'm on my way to learn how to be strong and live my life without caring too much about what others say about me.
There are still too much things out there for me to learn. I know I can't be able to learn them all but I will try my best.
Dunno if I make any mistake , just writing when I'm crying and dunno what to do to make it stop.